Anger management–it’s a term you hear about quite a bit these days. It comes in many shapes and sizes. From the punch line of a bad joke to the go-to answer for dealing with life’s hardest challenges, anger management is part of daily life for many today.
One particularly difficult area of anger develops within parents when dealing with their children. It comes with guilt, shame, frustration, and that nagging sense that I am out of control. Without effectively dealing with that anger, everyone stands to be hurt, especially the children.
There are classes, relaxation techniques, diet and exercise, anger discussion questions, fair fighting rules, children’s anger stop sign techniques and much more. These are all great tools for your life. How do you deal with anger toward your child? I approach this subject from a pastoral counseling perspective, and it brings quite a different light to the subject.
Anger Management – The Need
Have you ever felt out of control in your anger? I remember being flat on my face in the hallway, crying because I was so angry. Are you ready for this? It was because my children’s room was messy!
Yes, I humbly admit it. I found myself uncontrollably angry at my children. Not only was it because of their messy rooms. Let me be very honest here and insert the fact of crumbs on the kitchen floor, towels on the bathroom floor, food wrappers in the TV room…need I say more?
The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26 (NLT), Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. The word sin here means to miss the mark. How do you miss the mark? You do so by reacting from a thought or belief in your heart and soul that causes emotional pain toward another person and toward yourself, including your children.
First Corinthians 13:7 (NKJV) says that Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails! Verse 6 says that love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth. We do not condemn. To the contrary, love corrects from the heart.
Let me be clear here. It takes all the fruits of the Spirit to parent our children. Without taking care of your personal unfinished business, you are guaranteed to emotionally overreact toward your children in their immature and painful choices.
Anger Management – A Scriptural Look
It is quite helpful to focus here on a few scriptures and the principles they teach. As you see from this passage, the Bible has some strong things to say about judgment. And judgment has a lot to do with anger and anger management.
Do not judge and criticize and condemn {others unfairly with an attitude with self-righteous superiority as though assuming the office of a judge} so that you will not be judged {unfairly}. For just as you {hypocritically} judge others {when you are sinful and unrepentant}, so you will be judged; and in accordance with your standard of measure {used to pass out judgment}, judgment will be measured to you. Why do you look at the{ insignificant} speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the {egregious} log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “let me get the speck out of your own eye,” when there is a log in your own eye? ~ Matthew 7:1-4 AMP
In this scripture, judgment is not talking about wisdom, common sense, or judging whether or not to go on vacation. That’s a topic for another day.
The judgment in these verses is the kind that finds fault. It comes out of woundedness. With it comes an undercurrent of something is wrong with me because of this situation. You feel that you are not enough.
In Regard to the Messy Rooms!
In my own example, it was just a messy room. The anger that I felt toward my children for their messy rooms came out of my heart and soul. The message (judgment) in my soul told my heart, I have to be perfect; therefore, my children have to be perfect.
“I was trying to clean up my own righteousness through my children’s performance.” CindyNeeley
This is extremely damaging to the relationship. So, out of my heart came the issues of life, my limitations to walk in love. It was just a messy room. I judged them with my harsh judgment of myself. If I hadn’t judged, I could have just dealt out the consequences of not cleaning their rooms and everything would have been fine.
Anger Management – Drop Your Excuses Romans 2:1-(NIV)
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. ~ Romans 2:1 (NIV)
Yes, it’s true; the principles of judgment cause us to do the very thing we hate. When you have an overreaction to your child, step back and take a look at your own heart. What do you find there?
I have tried to prove this wrong, but I always end up with that judgment in my heart. I learned to express gratitude when I observe that I am intolerant. Intolerance is an opportunity to let the Holy Spirit show me how I was wounded and judged. Growing in love is a challenge!
Anger Management – Huge Benefits
Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you. ~ Deuteronomy 5:16 (NKJV)
In the areas where you have honored your parents, life goes well. In the areas you have not honored them, things don’t always go so well.
I judged my parents and thought I was going to do better. This is not about right or wrong, but judgment. Sometimes parents do dishonorable things, but we do not want to judge. We choose to forgive.
How our parents treated us is not a reflection of our value or worth. It reflects how they felt about themselves. Just as I raged at my children over their messy rooms, it was really not about them. It was about the way I viewed myself. Therefore I couldn’t behave lovingly because I had a log in my own eye, so to speak.
What Can I do?
- Sit quietly and ask the Lord to show you the source of your anger toward your child. Do not dismiss what you hear. Instead, allow the recognition to come.
- If there is wounding at the source, choose to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean it is okay, but it releases bitterness and revenge from your heart.
- Release the judgment, the painful thought patterns into the Cross, and reckon them as dead.
- Choose a new thought that produces love and peace. Changing your mind is repentance, going the other way.
Sit in His presence and heal.
If the mountains melt like wax in the presence of the Lord, how much more will your heart and soul heal in His presence? Anger management is easy when you take personal responsibility for your choices and responses in relationships.
You have THE presence within you. Connect with the miracle-working power within your spirit.
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If you would like to delve deeper into your own anger issues concerning your child, please contact me to make an appointment. I look forward to hearing from you.
Healing your wounds His way,
Cindy